So I had a damn moment.

A damn moment is when you’re sitting there all by yourself with nothing but silence, your thoughts and an unwillingness to draw open the shades to let the light in. It’s one of those moments that with each passing thought, you draw a deep breath; sighing to yourself thinking:

“damn.”

It isn’t the same as depression nor is like anything else I can think of to describe it. It’s almost as if the word itself is its own emotion. Perhaps there is some forgotten word in some long dead language that fit’s the bill, but as for now damn works fine.

Most of the time I get myself into these mental conundrums, these mental gymnastic routines that a practice on a near daily basis. I spend way too much time thinking. Even when I am actively engaged in something else, I’m thinking.

Part of me is dedicating brain power to thinking about the past. In some aspects I guess it would be dwelling. I admittedly have a very, very hard time of letting things go. Mostly those of which are based around things I’ve done. I’m guilt ridden; if that would be the term. This goes contrary to my Christian beliefs because I know that once you repent in earnest of something, that your sins are forgiven.  Forgiveness of sin however is not the same as free from consequences. Sometimes those consequences land you in jail or prison. Sometimes they cost you your family and everyone you love. Others still will ultimately kill you. And sometimes God grants us mercy and we don’t have to suffer. But then there are those times when you come to realize that the guilt is the consequence of your actions. Often times being more than I can bear.

Then there’s the present. I can honestly say that I long for nothing, God provides us with all. He always has and by his grace and mercy; he always will. That isn’t to say that there aren’t trials but rather, it’s how I choose to look at them now. I’ve done the get angry, super bi-polar simplex 2 come get some mode far too many times in the past. I know how that ends and I’m getting too old for that mess.

Plus it’s expensive, costing both time and treasure. Maybe a bit of your soul?

Of course there is the future. A grand tapestry of dried spaghetti hurled against the walls of time, just to see what sticks. Time that I’m running out of. Watching my son get older, my hair thin out and trying to figure out just what the hell I’m going to do.

Despite that I know I’m blessed. I’m grateful everyday for what I have and I try my best not to stress things too much. But every now and then you just have to take a deep breath and say, “damn.”