That's a pretty accurate statement. We hate it more than you do, trust me.

I must have sat here for almost an hour, watching the cursor flash on and off-before I could press a single key. And after that I stopped again and thought some more and I asked myself “what’s the point of writing all of this?”

We naturally assume (out of respect for their position?) that doctors are right, in this case psychiatrists and psychologists. I have nothing but respect for doing what they do but I don’t trust them, not totally anyways.

Some things they do get right. I’ve had doctors say that bipolar are “good people” but bad news and therefore should be avoided. I reluctantly would have to agree with them on that. As much as I would hate being alone it would be a lie if I didn’t think to myself how much better off my family would be if I had known before hand that I had bipolar. At least then I could’ve warned her. But I don’t have a time machine and I love them too much to take them back. I guess that would make me a selfish bastard.

So be it. There are a lot of things that I want back that this vileness inside my mind has taken. The synapses and chemicals they claim are the root problem are demons to me the likes of which spells of Risperidone and Paxil are the point guards of pointlessness.

It seems that the older I get, the worse it gets. However, I’ve had a lifetime of dealing with it now and I’m much better at realizing my triggers and having pre-arranged ways of coping, certain things that I can do to get things under control. But you have to be careful because these delusions of grandeur start creeping in and the next thing you know you’re healed and nothing is wrong when in reality you’re far sicker than you think. I guess I can add this (blogging) to that list of therapies. Either that or it’s a placebo: either way I’m getting some result and that beats not having anything. The only problem really becomes when people start finding out. Regardless of what they tell you, they are looking at you different, thinking about you differently and even talking amongst themselves.

But your boss doesn’t want to hear that.

Neither do your friends

Your co-workers, your family-none of them is interesting in anything that you have to say after the words bipolar come out of your mouth. Even with a college degree I know I’ll have to have a plan B a plan C and D because the chances of getting hired and holding that job when you have a “mental disorder” are slim. Especially nowadays when people seem to be going nuts every time you turn on your television or pick up the paper. They see crazy in the media and then they hear bipolar from you. What do you think is going to happen?

Trapped like a rat in a cage.

However you explain it when it finally sets in, you can almost see the change in their eyes. It’s like watching a B rated zombie flick where the person dies and starts turning into a walker and you see the eyes change; it reminds me of that. I know what that means and that’s when it’s time to standup shake their hand thank them for the time and just leave. It sounds so much more tempting to just go; things will go on just fine once you’re out of the picture. You’re worth more trouble then you are good so it only makes sense that people would naturally begin to do better without impedances. After all the good book says not to be a stumbling block. But you can’t do that because at the end of the day I’m a husband and a father and like it or not, I’m the only one they’ve got. So I guess I’ll keep trying.

Time for some coffee. Go Monday.