I learned something very important at church today. But before I go there, I have to back up a little bit and give you a little set up so you understand better where I’m coming from, my frame of thinking.

I have the tendency of being very hard on myself. Sometimes it is warranted, justified even. But I must admit I can go overboard, especially when it comes to the gloom and doom aspects of life. Whatever the reason(s) when I get like that I second guess myself and my intentions and ultimately I retreat back into my own little spider hole. Live to fight another day if you will.

One of the things I told myself when I decided to start writing a blog or in the case of journalism, putting my opinions, my work out there for everyone to see is I would be honest. This to me is terrifying because you not only have to be confident but you have to have a thick skin. These are two things that have proven difficult for me my whole life. Bipolar disorder acts as the gremlin within the mental machine, clogging up all the gears. It’s hard being able to tell how you will feel from one minute to the next. It’s an art really, similar to acting. You have to be a good actor if you want to make it thru.

But I digress. Let me get more to the point.

The only way I will build any type of “credit” with anyone who reads what I write (and to all of you I am thankful, even if don’t always like it) is if I am honest. I am careful in the sense that I don’t put everything out there. Meaning I won’t violate the privacy of others, I try to be honest and neutral but most importantly, I want my readers to understand me. To believe me. I am careful about what I say because I understand from experience–as do we all–the power of words. The power to destroy and give hope rests in the things that we say as well as what we do. They can encourage us or defeat us, and as such I take that seriously.

I write how I feel, what I’m thinking at that time because that to me, that is believable. At one minute I can be writing something about God, about Jesus and be filled with the Holy Spirit when doing so. Just delighting in him and his revelation in my life, my families life, and those of my friends and enemies as well. And then there are those times when I’m thinking of other things; dark things, odd things–not Norman Bates crazy but those things that we all think about that we keep to ourselves yet acknowledge to having. We aren’t perfect; there is only one who fits that bill, so to me it would be lying if I wrote about constantly one thing. I don’t know if that makes me a bad person in the eyes of some a hypocrite, or a liar. But I see it as being honest. I’m trying my best to live the faith I proclaim and that is not always a straight and narrow path. There are detours and difficult alleys to navigate. I think it’s important to write about the good times basking in the light, and the dark times when you can see the light but it’s a pin point away, off into great nothingness.

And everything in between.

Sometimes I go back and read some of the things I write and it’s motivation because I can remember God carrying me thru some of the darker times, the darker moments. Other times I become embarrassed, discouraged or ashamed, and I delete it. The whole time this is going on I’m thinking that it is all a waste of time anyway. There are a myriad of thoughts that run the tracks of mind. Meanwhile the only thing I want to do is serve God. I do not know why I think some of things I do, or do some of the things I do but I know what my ultimate goal is. By being honest in what I write I think I do a greater justice because when trying to share the Truth, you have to tell the truth.

So at church today the sermon was called “Denying God’s will” and it covered several chapters and verses including:

Luke 22:39-44

1 Peter 3:18

Galatians 5:17

Exodus 4:13…and many others.

You can go thru that yourself but by the time the sermon was over I had a better understanding of just what it means to not only desire God’s will but what it means to do it. Simply put, God knows my heart. I should not worry about the words of people as much as I do. Not all advice, not all comments are good ones. While some things are meant in love and friendship (being open and honest, critical but not cruel) others are simply because people are people; haters for a the lack of a better word.

Of course that’s easier said and done but anything is possible with God. Going forward I’ll do my best not to go nuts but to also not delete things either. It’s disrespectful to those who took the time to read it and even comment and like it. That’s not good idea, especially if you want people to take you seriously.

Have a great Sunday and God bless you and yours.