It's hard enough keeping myself on the right path...

I do not know how to write this without it coming off as me being defiant; I am just trying to be honest. I had a humbling reminder today why I should never preach, teach or be a deacon. Now that I think about it, I probably shouldn’t even be singing.

I suck at being a Christian, what else can I say.

Tuesdays and Thursdays, I start my collegiate day in a physical anthropology class. It is a class–and a subject–that I find fascinating, plus it is a good way to educate yourself on such matters so when discussing things like brachiating primates, genetic drift or evolution in general with believers (and non-believers) that are familiar with the subject, you know what you are talking about. Right before Spring break, we had an exam and today we got our scores back. Everything was fine until I looked at one part of the test that I did not do well on at all and had lost many points on. One of my classmates, who is a believer and a friend, asked me what was wrong. My facial distortions must have been epic in nature; internally I was furious. I was mad at myself, not the professor.

I did not answer at first, I just stood there shaking my head until finally I just looked over and said, “What the f@#k is this crap!?” There was an awkward silence between us for a moment, so I chimed in again, “I can’t believe this s#@t, how the f#@k did this happen?!” I was pissed and kept going, adding more and more colors to my Crayola box of colorful words. From the moment they left my lips I knew I had done wrong but I let it fly anyway. For that moment in time, I did not care about tapering my words, who was around or what have you. I needed to say what I needed to say, regardless of what anyone would have thought at the time.

I forgot to mention that my friend is studying to be a pastor. Double awkward. I wanted the guy from the Twix commercial to chime in: “Need a minute?” but instead of a candy bar, he hands me an extra dose of my meds.

I was not judged by this person or anything like that–in fact, they helped me out by suggesting that I go talk to the professor and explain my side of the discrepancy. That worked, I ended up getting several points added back to my score after we went over the issue. I had calmed down by then and even emailed my friend to apologize for my outburst. I began the long walk to the other side of campus where I had parked providing ample time for me to think about everything that had transpired.

When you set a bad example, when you are a bad witness, you know it right away. I swear I have driven myself close to madness trying to filter every thought, word and action that I undertake. It is unbelievably difficult. I have gotten better at it over the years but the frustration of failure can often times be too much to deal with. I do not ever want to be a stumbling block for others, not again. I have been in the past and regret it to this very second. Being in those aforementioned positions of service requires a different type of metal than I am made of. Christians and non-Christians alike have told me at various times during my walk with the Lord that I should pray on it primarily, but to consider seriously preaching, teaching or being a deacon. Some have said that it is my calling, that I cannot run from it and eventually God’s plan for my life will become clear so that even I can see it. However, the shame, embarrassment and disgust of being a bad witness for Christ is more than enough reason for me to be perfectly fine with them being totally wrong in their assumption(s).

Some people should not be in certain positions and even scripture tells us that not everyone is meant for everything. James had it right when he says in James 3:1-12 that:

Taming the Tongue

1 Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. 2 We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check.

3 When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. 4 Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. 5 Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. 6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

7 All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, 8 but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.

9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. 10 Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. 11 Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? 12 My brothers and sisters, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.

A-to the men on that one brother James, you hit that right on the head.

The fear of being judged more strictly is bad enough, but the real travesty is all the potential pain you can cause by assuming a role that was not meant for you. While we all witness as believers with our daily lives, leaders in the church body have much more influence than most. I feel bad when I get up to sing and I am not feeling particularly “praisy” that day. Imagine what that would be like ministering to others! You cannot afford to have bad days like that in those positions. Singing is one thing: 1) Don’t mess up because it is embarrassing and 2) make sure that you are doing it for God first because if you do that, even if you are in a horrible mood or what have you, your intentions are pure. Besides that, who would want to deal with a bipolar pastor? The church has enough problems already.

Until God tells me otherwise, I will continue to fight the good fight (the Godly fight). Dieing to yourself everyday and picking up your cross daily is literally a matter of life or death. It only takes a second to go careening off the edge…and I don’t want to take anyone with me if I do.