Loops and hills on a coaster are not unlike the bipolar life.

Truth be told, I have been dredding writing for a while now. I have loads of ideas but I physically can’t seem to move an do it. Not just yet. I am approaching a crossroads and I don’t which way to turn. Perhaps I should forge my own path and go straight. Nah, too much hubris and pride involved in that one for my liking. I guess you will have to settle for my scribbles. Trying to get back into a groove.

My wife says that I’ve been manic for a week. I hardly noticed. Although I will say that Sunday, from the time I got up for church until we get up for school and work the next day, I had been going non-stop. As exciting as that sounds, I still cannot muster the intestinal fortitude necessary to write, to function, to do anything without struggle.

My bipolar was on disco status and now that it’s reached the apex, it’s time to head down the other side. It reminds me of being a kid and going to Great America in Gurney Illinois. They had a ride there called the American Eagle and it was made of all wood. There was a steep and slow, clakkity climb to the top, and right when you got there, gravity and weight did the rest. The adrenaline rush, fear, excitement…”when’s it going to end!” it’s all fun and games when you are a child. But for adult me, that roller coaster represents something far more unwanted.

And that’s it. I’m waiting, waiting for the crash. The good thing is that now I do a much better job identifying my triggers so I’m aware and that mitigates things. However, triggers are smart. They have the ability to adapt. Let’s say you hear a song and you know that song in particular triggers certain thoughts, and emotions. Ideally, you change the song but that trigger can make other songs sound like that song or worse, you get it stuck in your head. It seems to be never ending when you’re headed down stream. Songs are just one tool, anything can do it. Memories being the key. Memories being the worst.

But I will keep trucking on. I’ve been in the pits before and with the Lord leading point, I’ll make it just fine. I need to enjoy this, my favorite time of year and relax, leave it in his hands. Sure it’s going to suck and I’ll have to take my meds (yeah right) but it’ll work out. So that ends my update. And soon as I start feeling human again (I hate bipolar) I’ll be banging out my irrelevant thoughts faster then you can delete them.

I need to get back to God.