It has been a long time since I have written/typed anything and there has been what I would call good reason. To be honest, I do not know where to begin. I don’t know how long to make this post, how much to say, or how much detail I should go into. Keeping that in mind I will simply say that this is a new beginning.

But for the grace of God, I would be a dead man. I put my name on it and swear by it.

This past week I had a severe panic attack and years of drugs, sex and rock & roll finally came calling with the reaper in tow. I mean that literally. I could have died. Had it not been for my wife insisting that I go the emergency room I would have given up the ghost that very night. My heartbeat was irregular and my blood pressure was all over the place. I was sweating from the inside, as if on fire. My thoughts dry and vapid, coated with a thick slathering of self hate and pity. Shaking with eyes racing and gasping for air, I heeded her words and got in the car. The next thing I know I was in the emergency room.

I have bipolar simplex 2, I’m a rapid cycler, along with a host of other issues that revolve around it (paranoia, phobias, suicide attempts, severe depression etc.,) What this basically means is I don’t know what mood I will be in from one second to the next. A simple song, fragrance, thought…any trigger you can think of. The difference being you can’t tell when it’s coming, it just hits you. It has landed me in significant trouble in the past not to mention the embarrassment my family suffers and the loss of friends and family. Every waking moment seems vile and polluting of humanity when your mind is this way. I don’t care if you don’t believe me or if you think I’m being “weak” and/or hyperbolic. We all have shit we’re dealing with. This is mine.

I’m out of the hospital now and I have been blessed with an excellent group of professionals at Kaiser Permanente who have me (hopefully) on the right meds for the first time in over 10 years. I do not say that in an attempt to excuse the many wrongs, I’m just telling you what is. When I look at scripture, I read of people who have struggled with the most sinful acts one can commit and yet, they found peace through Christ Jesus who strengthens us. So as I get my head together and make some serious changes going forward, I pray that a new path will be shown to me. For the first time in a very, very long time, I’m happy about life. I don’t know if it’s the new meds or realizing that I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired but something has changed and it’s for the better.

Until next time.