For the past few months, anything I have tried to write has ended up a victim of select all, delete. I haven’t been able to write anything, my mind clogged and wandering in a nebulous sea of thoughts. I’ve tried on numerous occasions to awaken myself from this stupor of motivation and creativity, but I have failed. I had a feeling as to why I couldn’t “function” but I wasn’t positive about it. Until I read this. A buddy of mine posted this quote on Facebook and when I read it, everything clicked:

“Satan is a clever imitator so that his tares are indistinguishable by men from the wheat. By reading theological works and sitting under the preaching of the Word an attentive mind can soon acquire an intellectual acquaintance with the Truth and be able to discuss the mysteries of the Gospel more readily and fluently than can an unlettered child of God. Keen mentality may also be accompanied by a naturally religious disposition which expresses itself in fervent devotions, self-sacrificing effort and proselytizing zeal. But if such an one relapse and repudiates the Truth, that does not overthrow our doctrine: it simply shows he was never born of God. “They went out from us, but they were not of us; for of they had been of us, they would have continued with us” (1 John 2:19). Such characters had never been received into the fellowship of apostolic assemblies unless they gave credible appearance of possessing real grace, yet their subsequent departure was proof they had it not. “Whosoever hath not (in reality) from him shall be taken away even that which he seemeth to have” (Luke 8:18). ~ A.W. Pink

There is a lot to digest there and by no means am I going to attempt to do so. My goal is to convey my feelings after reading it the best way I can.

For a long time I have felt lost. I have a lot on my mind and sometimes (most of the time) things weigh heavily on my shoulders. It’s odd because I watch a lot of documentaries, many of them about the appalling life conditions in other countries. I’d say to myself, “Things are bad but at least you’re not that guy.” Be grateful for what you do/don’t have. And that statement is very correct. However, when you’re going through something, you’re only really seeing it from your end. It takes a bit of effort to step outside oneself and look at the situation from different points of view. To me it was a gut check.

Who do you really serve?

It’s very easy to get trapped into thinking that you are doing the right thing by God. I do believe that deep down a believer feels the Holy Spirit urging them in the right direction, but we don’t always heed. And as the quote stated, there are those who were lost all along. Mired in a web of lies and self destruction. Once you figure out which one you are, the choice is simple. Either go the way that God has provided or don’t. We are given the ability to choose. At least that’s part of what I got out of it. So the next question is what do you do about it? What does it mean?

The answer to that depends on the individual, results may vary. For me it’s getting back into the grove of things. Stop walking around chained and defeated by things I can’t control. No matter what is going on I have to stay motivated and positive. For me that also means surrendering to Christ. I cannot say that in the past I have been very good of that aspect of Christian living, but I’m trying now and for me, that’s better than doing nothing at all. The past few months have been attempting just that–trying to get closer to God. Sometimes doing well and sometimes, falling very short. The only thing that I can attest to is that it is an ongoing battle that rages within the life of the believer. Not just me, but all of us. We all have things that we’re dealing with, that we are struggling with but it’s the fight to move forward on that narrow path that pushes us forward.

I can’t say that I’ll feel the same way tomorrow, heck, 10 minutes from now, but I do know that as long as I have air in my lungs I have to keep trying. Trying to be a better Christian. Trying to be a better human being. Trying to be a better father and husband, the list goes on forever–I have to keep trying. If I stop I fail and that can’t happen. So I will do my best to fight the good fight. See you in the trenches.