Of all the seasons of the year, Fall has to be my favorite. I love the cooler weather, the colors, and even the scents of the season. It’s a kaleidoscope of sensations. The other day I was on my daily walk when I noticed a tree that had all but lost its leaves and it made me think about death; or rather, the death of things.

I have thought long and hard before writing this, even debating if I would ever write again. I have committed a great number of sins, some of which I feel that I will never be forgiven for. I’ve had to make some hard decisions and I’ve had to deal with the consequences of said decisions. My only solace being that God in his infinite mercy, has a bigger, better plan for my life. It’s easy to forget that last part, especially when the leaves of life are falling all around you, but I take hope in the fact that there is eventually a rebirth. Like Spring heralds in life, so to does Fall hearken unto death. A thing must die before it is reborn, and that is the point where I am at in my life.

Though the Lord forgives me, I struggle with forgiving myself. Maybe it’s because I have to wake up in this skin and be reminded in the mirror, who I really am. I look at the great heroes of the bible and their struggles and I’m reminded that God can use anyone at anytime. That is what keeps me going. I’ve all but spent my cache of good will and now I’m running on the fumes of a promise. A promise to be a better Christian, husband, father, friend and employee. The leaves falling off of the trees are like me shedding my sins. That is to say that through repentance and prayer, I have let these things be what they are and have tried to move on. I’m not always successful. Sometimes the leaves fall upward, defying the laws of nature and trying to re-attach to my tree. The cool breezes of life are harsh against my bare bones but I remember the warmth of a Savior who died for me. Shedding light on gloomy days where the sun may not breach the clouds.

Eventually I pray that I’ll reach the point where I truly let go and move on but sometimes that distance to the finish line moves farther, and farther away.

With all that said, I know for a fact that my Father in heaven loves me. He has granted me mercy and grace in ways that I can’t describe. He blesses me even though I don’t deserve it, and if I can just hold on and not give up, I know that he will take care of me. To the unbeliever, that may appear to be wishful thinking–talking to an invisible God somewhere in the sky. I see it as reality. It may take me a while to get there, but one day, I will be rid of these things that bind around my neck, a giant yoke intent on dragging me down. I have no where else to go but up, and so I strive upward.